Never Got The Chance To Say Goodbye
by Cannibal Jello
Summary: WARNING: Involves intense suicide. Kevin contemplates death after his lover falls to the hands of it. Includes a male x male relationship, but it's only implied, nothing noticeable really besides the basic characters involved.


Title: Never Had The Chance To Say Good-bye  
Author: cannibaljello  
Rating: R for suicidal things  
Pairing: Who else? Kevin x David  
POV: Kevin  
Disclaimer: I don't own Capcom, but I do own the story. I wrote it some time ago, and decided now to post it after some polishing, since the story was actually based on my own experiences in the past. Decided to use it for the guys because…well, it's drama and it fits.  
I left a large piece of the puzzle out so that you, as a reader, can imagine the worst possible way a man could die. Or perhaps the easiest, depending on your decisions…

Edit: There are breaks in the story. Sometimes removes them automatically after it's posted, ugh. Reposted to add them. If I missed some...well, it's my fault. These are symbolized by an x.

x

Can you hear me crying?

Would it hurt you to find me in such a pathetic, weak state? The  
strong, confident man you knew has crumbled like an aged building,  
the once strong walls collapsing, crashing to the ground, and now  
nothing is left but its broken remains. I truly feel this way; half  
of me has died. You. I gave you half of my heart, as you did with  
yours. And now that you're gone, life feels so worthless…

I don't know how I'm still living, how my heart still beats, even  
though it is incomplete. We had always been so close. I had no doubt  
that our blood pumped in the same exact rhythm. But now it no longer  
does.

If only I would have known, if only I was there for you. If only I  
had the chance to say good-bye one last time…

Yes, it's true. I didn't know until it was too late that you where  
dead, that I'd never see you again. How I die just wishing that I  
could have known, that if I had done something, you'd still be  
here with me. What I would do to be able to just bid you farewell/

It's too late now. Everything happened so fast, out of the blue.  
One day you where there laughing, walking at my side. The next, you  
vanished, torn away from me. The sudden change had shattered my  
world, all the emotional confidence I had spent so long building for  
myself. I had broken down in front of everyone, and had sobbed until  
I was an exhausted wreck on the floor. For days I had done nothing  
but. Always sick with depression.

Our friends…they all tried to patch my wounds, they  
believe that they did. I lead them to believe I had moved on, that I  
stood on stable ground, but deep inside I was no where close to that  
point. I was ripped into two pieces and one faded away. How could  
anyone expect me to forget that?

And now I was here, beating myself for not being there to save you.

I had always kept my feelings buried deep inside, to all except you.  
Sadness was an illness, I believed. One person becomes infected,  
others approach them and it is passed on. For some reason I have  
always been this way, and for reasons not even I could clearly  
explain. It just seemed like a burden on others, to worry about  
someone they loved. I was fine coping on my own; I didn't need  
anyone to help me.

Maybe I was wrong.

Was I selfish, to keep myself locked away from those who cared about  
me? I couldn't tell them, they couldn't possibly understand. No one  
could feel the pain I did. Feeling such a way tore at my soul. I was  
slowly dying; invisible flames scorched and ate away at my insides.  
And no body knew, they couldn't see that deep within I was  
screaming.

I would do anything to unleash my frustration. Anything. The anything  
that fell under my grasp would be punished, thrown across the room,  
shattered into millions of pieces like my life had so cruelly been.  
I would scream, cursing and sobbing until my throat was raw, asking  
the heavens why they had to take you away from me, why they had  
punished you, what you done to deserve such an awful fate.

But they never listened, and I was left in a gasping, sobbing heap on  
the floor.

You would hold me, hold me if you were here.

I know you're not, that you can't be. You're gone from my  
world, my empty life. But still I persist, sobbing your name out into  
the deft, cold air. Maybe it's a plead for help, for someone to  
comfort me. Begging for a person to come and fill in the cracks in my  
heart. To stop the blood from leaking out, bathing my innards with  
crimson.

I'm drowning in myself, and no one can save me. I'm killing myself  
and if I don't stop my heart from pumping soon...

Either way, no matter what path I choose to follow, it will lead to  
one thing. Death.

Maybe I just can't except the fact that I'll never see you again. No  
matter how difficult I try to convince myself, I just can't help  
but wonder if it's all just a terrible dream, an illusion. That I'll  
wake up and you'll be there, just like in the past. I still imagine  
you're here, with me now, crying besides my empty shell of a body.

Are you here, watching me now? Are you adding to my tears? If so, why  
cant I see the red droplets, painting whatever surface they fall onto  
a bitter sweet red? Why is it so hard to believe you're here with me  
now, as the wind so gently stroking my hair? If you where, it would  
not dull my pain, because I know the wind flows. And like it, I must  
move on. Still I hesitate to take the first step away from you. Do I  
fear what will come, what I'll find?

Do I even have the strength to do such things?

x

I sit in the bathroom, surrounded by your belongings. My trembling hands  
take hold of the pencils you used only once. I knew – I walked into the  
room while you tested yourself with the strength and steadiness of your  
hand, the weakness of each eye. That night, sitting in your leathers,  
you said that just a little liner would look good, right?

But I knew that nothing could make you look any more beautiful that you  
already where, and I truly meant that. Now, I would give anything to  
watch you again. But I've lost my chance.

Press it onto my flesh, tracing the contours of my eye like you did,  
mimicking your movements, memorized by the time I spent seeing you. It  
was always breath taking, the beautiful contrast between the dark colors  
and bronze skin. How the blacks, blues, and browns dammed the silver seas  
of your eyes. They where always so bright and lively, shining with a  
dancing humor. I wonder what they look like now.

Are they open? Where they closed? A sob jerked through my body as I  
imagine the crashing waves, stilled by your  
death. A dull glaze rested over the waters, the laughing, amused gaze  
vanished from them. You have nothing to chuckle at now, you will  
never see anything again. The person I so longed to continue to love,  
to hold is gone, dead. And I'll never see your eyes, lips, skin  
again. I'll never gaze upon your face again.

The pencil clatters to the counter, I can continue no more. It hurts  
too much.

x

I return to my room and curl up on the cold mattress of my bed.  
Without you here, I felt so small lying along when not long ago, I had  
been so large, so strong. The faintest scent of you was still in the  
sheets. It didn't occur to me until now how I enjoyed the scent of your  
sweat, tinted with the hint of something that could only be described  
as you. I clutched the sheets beneath my fingers and buried my head  
deeper into the pillows, breathing deeply, trying to inhale the last  
of it.

It was so cold without your body pressing against my own, the vast  
surface dominated by the freezing air. It surprised me, that when the  
tears began falling from my eyes, they didn't turn to ice.

Where you there? Was the tiny fraction of heat keeping the salty  
water from freezing yours?

x

It's morning; I had fallen asleep, my tears dried and sticky on  
flesh. I dread the day to come, knowing that you won't be there  
to wake me up. Someone else will take your place, maybe in this task,  
but never in my heart. How could someone expect to wipe you from my  
mind? How do they expect me to live in such a lie?

"Kevin, you need to get up..."

Can't she see that I'm no longer him? No longer like her, no longer  
living?

Was that my name? It sounds so different said in a voice besides  
yours. How I would give anything to hear you say my name again, say  
any name, any word. I just need to know your voice again. I fear that  
if I don't hear it again, I will forget you. I'll loose the music  
I always craved so, and it hurts. To realize that you can never have  
such a thing again hurts more than any burn, any broken bone…

A gentle hand brushed my hair out of my eyes, and I could see whom  
the voice belonged to before I could name it. Yoko was there;  
she was the one pulling me out of the unconscious sleep I had fallen  
into. That was when I realized how bad things must have been, if she  
was here, worried about me. It was so awkward to have her close, to  
have her trying to comfort me…

I didn't have the strength to pull away from my her touch. It  
actually felt quite nice to have her warm, tender hands stroking my  
hair. Her caresses reminded me of you, and my heart began aching  
again, feeling as though it was bruised. A choked sob shambled up out  
of my throat, and I tried to swallow it before she heard, but some  
how her ears caught it.

"Go ahead, cry, you need to."

I saw her through blurry eyes, the tears swimming in my vision. Her  
face was gentle and understanding.  
Burying my face in the pillow I let go, clenching the sheets below me  
until my knuckles turned white. One of her hands traveled up and down  
my back, coaxing the tears out of my shaking body.

For once since your departure, I finally felt loved again…

x

It could have been minutes; it may have been hours before I could  
gather my scattered thoughts again. When I finally managed to do so,  
it was difficult. My head throbbed painfully, filled with blood. I  
could barely see through my swelled eyes, but I know she was still  
there, her hand still running its path on my spine, the soothing  
caress lulling me asleep.

The touches began fading. She was speaking, her voice seemingly  
coming from miles away. I could only recognize a few words, her last  
before I fell into the silent, vast darkness of sleep once again. And  
for the first time since you moved on, I dreamt peacefully. You where  
there with me, and everything began making sense.

"Whatever happens, you'll always be a hero. Always."

Why, why couldn't I believe? Did you?

You did. God, you did. And I couldn't save you. So, when asked again…  
do you now? Why can't I hear your voice answering me?  
Can anyone else hear it? Have you finally found another?  
Nothing can hurt me any worse than I already am. I am already dead.  
My soul had shattered, but my body still functions, although it's hollow.

I'll ask everyone, everyone if they can hear you. Had they ever before?

No, no one would understand. They didn't know you like I did. And they  
will never have the chance.

You're gone.

x

I stirred from my sleep, lashes fluttering open, tickling my skin.  
Yoko was no longer there by my side; the place she had sat now  
dominated by the air filling the room. For once the air was no longer  
cool, the uncomfortable draft lifted by an invisible force. It was  
replaced by sweet warmth, being inhaled, filling my lungs. But still  
this did not fill my emptiness. Nothing would, except one thing.

I rose from my bed, stumbling to a place anonymous to my mind, but  
known by my body. My feet carried me, drawn by unseen chain. They  
followed a path of their own, and I didn't stop them. I knew,  
understood what I had to do. It all came together like the pieces of  
a puzzle, you had told me everything in the dream. I had listened  
too, and finally I knew the cure to my torn soul.

When my feet finally stop, I stand in front of my dresser. With numb  
fingers I grasp one of the wooden handles and pull, the wood sliding  
against it self as the compartment is opened. I close my eyes,  
reaching in, and grasp the object that would kill the pain. The perfect anesthetic.

A knife. Your knife. Before this, I would never have thought that it  
would be your weapon that would bring me to an end. But now, I know  
that it needs to be done.

The metal was cold beneath my burning touch, a tingling sensation  
running up and down my spine. The metal was hard, strong against my  
weak flesh. This simple object was able to rule, command, to slice  
through muscles fibers with an awkward swiftness. Now I know why you  
loved this so. Holding such a thing gives you power, pure and  
comforting.

Light dances on the blade, wickedly, tauntingly. For a moment it  
reminded me of the sun reflecting off the silver waters of the ocean.  
So beautiful, so free. This tool gave me freedom, freedom to choose  
how my life will end, freedom to make my own decisions. And I do.

There was no turning back. I had finally approached the end and I had  
no where else to go.

x

Press the sharp edge into my skin, watching as the light reflecting  
off of the blade paints beautiful silver across my hand. It's so  
pure, so clear. If only you where here to see this. Wait you are, I  
can feel you now, watching and waiting for my arrival into your  
world. I knew you would be there waiting, how could I ever doubt your  
love?

Increase the pressure, tilting the blade at an angle. The metal  
slides, edge clawing and attacking my skin, eager for what is to come.

Stinging, biting pain, shrieking through my nerves. The blood that  
has been bottled up inside me, that has been fighting for freedom  
under my flesh, breaks out, spilling onto my torn skin. It is so  
warm, burning like a flame, eating away at my body. My skin twitched  
feverishly as the crimson flows, in a violent frenzy to escape from  
its prison. The heart buried deep in my chest continues its work,  
forcing it through my veins and out, pumping for David as he laughs  
in glee, like an excited child.

I would join you but my energy is gone, being washed away along with  
everything else. My skin is lightening, paling into a waxy white as I  
watch my blood dripping into the puddle on the white floor. I never  
knew, never thought that there was that much born beneath my skin. It  
didn't matter though; I was slowly fading away. I wouldn't  
have to rely on it any longer.

I'm falling, dropping as in slow motion. My structure collapses  
beneath my weigh and I and sent crashing into the warm red sea. No  
longer can I control my body; it twitches and breathes on its own. My  
eyes rolled up, gazing at the ceiling resting so high above my fallen  
body. For some reason, it seemed further away than I could remember.  
But that didn't matter any more…

A tear slid down the side of my face, dripping into my ear but I  
couldn't reach to touch it.

My lids felt heavy, weighed down by an invisible force. Where you  
doing this? Touching me, closing my eyes so that who ever finds me  
will never have to see the emptiness inside? Is your touch lulling me  
into the dark sleep I'm falling into? Where you caressing the  
pain away, the burning substance in my blood?

Or was I finally dying, past the point of pain, going numb?

No, no you where holding me, I could feel you everywhere at once.  
Your arms are wrapped around me in a loving embrace, and the heat  
remained, it was still there. You where the heat, I realized.

And it felt so good to be held in your arms again. I knew then, that  
it was time to leave, to let go. So I rested, breathing shallow and  
relaxed.

My chest rose one last time, heart slowing to a halt.

Like you, who I was with in the end, I didn't rise again.

x

End.


End file.
